Funny News Stories
The British and the Irish Collide
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the
British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation
released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:
IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a
collision.
BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to
avoid a collision.
IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.
BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.
IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Job Search Woe
Rachael, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Rachael was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview.
Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagne recipe."
A Wisconsin man has been sentenced to six months in jail and was ordered to undergo mental health counseling, and have no contact with his estranged wife whatsoever after it was discovered that he tried to hire someone to kidnap his wife, knock her unconscious and lock her in the truck of a car.
Of course none of this ever happened because the man he was trying to hire was actually an undercover sheriff's deputy!
Asked why he did it, the man stated that he just wanted to scare his wife,"so she could see the error of her ways".
Apparently the guy got the idea after watching "Dr. Phil", who said on his talk show that sometimes people needed a good scare to snap them out of their delusions! Hmm... interesting!
Man wakes up from surgery to find all of his 3 wives by his bedside
Englishman Melvyn Reed woke up from his triple bypass heart surgery recently, to find all three of his wives had turned up at the hospital to see him at the same time, despite his best efforts for them NOT to bump into each other...
Apparently, when things got very heated up, Melvyn decided to come clean, and gave himself up to the police, admitting his status as a bigamist, an illegal offence in England!
After pleading guilty to two charges of bigamy, Melvyn was given a suspended sentence of 4 months in prison, and was also ordered to pay $126 in costs.
After all was said and done, it now appears that Melvyn moved back in with wife No.1, with wives Nos 2 & 3 not even having to take legal action to have the marriages annulled, as they weren't even valid in the first place!
Now, this is a funny news story!
A 75-year-old man had accidentally run down his wife
A 75-year-old living in the German town of Bad Nauheim became so shocked he had accidentally run down his wife he started forward and drove over her again, authorities said last Wednesday.
Police in the western town of Bad Nauheim said the man compounded his 73-year-old wife's misery after an onlooker told him he had just run her over while backing out of a parking space.
The woman was rushed to hospital and surprisingly enough, she survived.
Strange Inventions
An English clothes retailer has announced the launch of a new bikini, which beeps every 15 minutes so as to prevent holidaymakers from sleeping in the sun, and getting sunburns!
The new bikinis are scheduled to hit stores next week!
Police led to thief by following his snoring Australian police responding to a break-in at a furniture store were surprised to discover the suspected culprit asleep at the scene after the man's snoring gave away his hiding place.
Police arrived at the furniture store in the central Australian town of Alice Springs on Saturday night to find the glass front door smashed.
"On walking through the store police thought the offender had fled until they heard snoring coming from the carpet racks. When they climbed up they found the 25-year-old asleep on the carpet underlay and snoring," police said in a statement.
The man was arrested and charged with unlawfully entering a building with intent to commit a crime and stealing.
Water bill for $7,714,510.21
A Texas couple needed a drink after they got a water bill for $7,714,510.21 instead of the usual $50 or $60. The city has acknowledged that the bill was sent in error because of a computer glitch.
The woman said she opened the letter from the utility seeking nearly $8 million and handed it over to her husband, saying: "Honey, you've got a bill."
They called the water department to question if the figures were correct and were met by silence on the other end of the phone. "Then, they all chuckled and they freaked out," she said.
The couple plans to frame the $7.7 million water bill and hang it in their house, perhaps over the kitchen sink.
A regretful thief sent $600 worth of stolen goods to the police and asked they be returned to their rightful owners, German authorities said.
Police in the southern town of Darmstadt said the remorseful perpetrator had supplied the addresses of the shops plundered for the separately packed goods, and enclosed personal letters of apology to the respective managers.
"The thief even suggested they install more cameras and improve security, warning that a lot of things were getting pinched," said the police. "Now we have the goods, but no thief. One out of two isn't bad though."
In less time than it took a North Brunswick patrolman to write a ticket for an unregistered vehicle, the driver got his car registered online.
When the officer pulled over a 1992 Mazda 626, the vehicle's registration had expired. By the time he'd finished writing up the infraction, the car was legal again.
That's because the driver had a cell phone, a friend with a computer who he could reach and the foresight to use the New Jersey Motor Vehicle Commission's online registration service.
The driver’s ingenuity did not save him from getting a ticket, but it did keep him from having his car towed and getting socked with the towing bill!
A German lawyer who appeared in court to defend a client suddenly found he was the one in the dock, facing a judge who quickly jailed him for not paying a fine after being convicted of tax fraud.
The judge, noticing that court documents did not have the address of the defense lawyer's firm, checked with prosecutors and found that the lawyer was wanted for not paying a 750 euro fine.
Two minutes after sitting down to defend his client, the lawyer was sentenced to 15 days in jail after telling the judge he thought he had paid the fine but could not prove it!
It would be a dream come true for many: a prize of 6,000 euros ($7,118) to spend on a three-hour shopping spree.
But one Spanish woman turned down just that on Friday, saying she was too busy.
The woman had entered a Chamber of Commerce competition to win the spree, part of a promotion backed by 600 shops in the southeastern city of Murcia.
But when she was told she had won, she said she would have to think about it and then failed to show up to claim her prize.
She said she had "diary problems" and was "too busy to waste the morning," a spokesperson for the organizers said. The money went instead to the runner-up!
Two robbers left a German taxi driver glued to his steering wheel before running off with 300 euros police declared.
After the 31-year-old drove the men to a village near the eastern city of Dresden they threatened him with a gun, glued his hands to the wheel and escaped with the money!
An intercom system picked up a radio conversation in which an unlucky would-be thief described his failed robbery of a nearby bar.
A woman in Germany was surprised when the intercom system she was using to monitor her sleeping baby picked up a radio conversation in which an unlucky would-be thief described his failed robbery of a nearby bar.
"Instead of hearing her baby's wails, the mother got the 46-year-old's confession. She then informed police," authorities in the city of Bochum said.
The man had been talking about the attempted robbery to friends over a CB radio set, when the transmission was intercepted up by the baby's intercom system.
Police arrested the man, who confessed to the abortive raid.
Butt Hole Road
A British couple has been forced to move house because of the shame caused by the name of their street -- Butt Hole Road.
The couple sold their $250,000 bungalow in Conisbrough, northern England after living there for just 15 months, fed up with the constant leg-pulling.
Taxis and pizza delivery men would fail to turn up, thinking their order was just a prank, and they grew tired with groups of youths posing for photos by the nearby street sign with their buttocks bared.
"I like a laugh, but it was beyond a joke," The woman told the press.
A German man dug a hole the size of a large mattress in a park in a vain attempt to recover a 100 euro note he had buried a week earlier.
Police in the city of Aachen at first mistook the shovel-wielding 35-year-old for a construction worker, but were suspicious because he was still digging during the evening.
He told them he had resorted to burying money to stop himself from buying alcohol but had decided to dig up his savings for few birthday drinks.
"Apparently he had successfully held on to money that way several times before." A policeman said.
Police filled in the hole and sent the man on his way without the cash. They did not know how he spent the rest of the evening.
A German man dug a hole the size of a large mattress in a park in a vain attempt to recover a 100 euro note he had buried a week earlier.
Police in the city of Aachen at first mistook the shovel-wielding 35-year-old for a construction worker, but were suspicious because he was still digging during the evening.
He told them he had resorted to burying money to stop himself from buying alcohol but had decided to dig up his savings for few birthday drinks.
"Apparently he had successfully held on to money that way several times before." A policeman said.
Police filled in the hole and sent the man on his way without the cash. They did not know how he spent the rest of the evening.
Weekend shopping trips
German women fed up with their partners' moaning on weekend shopping trips can now dump them at a special kindergarten for men offering beer and entertainment.
"The women are issued a receipt for their partners when they hand them in and can pick them up again when they return it to us later," the bar’s manager said.
The men are given a name badge on arrival and for 10 euros ($11.80) they get two beers, a hot meal, televised football and games. The idea for the Saturday afternoon men's crèche came from a female customer who thought it would be a good way of getting rid of her husband so she could shop in peace.
A national punctuality campaign
Ecuador has begun a national punctuality campaign to wipe out the socially acceptable but costly practice of running late.
The small Andean nation synchronized clocks and counted down the last 60 seconds of permitted tardiness before beginning the campaign at midday on Wednesday, backed by notoriously unpunctual President Lucio Gutierrez, who is striving to change his ways.
Hundreds of officials gathered in the heart of Quito's colonial-style downtown to mark a ceremonious start to the drive, which is led by a local civic group that estimates the poor nation may lose up to $724 million a year due to lateness.
Text messaging
Italy's love affair with text messaging is having an unexpected consequence…Cell phones have become a leading giveaway of secret affairs.
Snooping spouses are finding amorous messages, as well as inexplicable phone numbers, stored in the memory of mobile phones.
Divorce lawyers are thrilled and magazines are warning readers to watch out, and one private investigator has even issued "Five Golden Rules" on how to cheat with a cell phone and not get caught!!!
Angry husband
An angry British husband made an emergency call to police because his wife refused to cook him his dinner. The man dialed "999" in a fury, demanding help from officers because his wife was busy decorating, police in western England declared. The plea was one of a number of genuine calls made by the public to police which the force published on its Web Site to highlight abuse of the emergency number.
"My wife's left me with two salmon sandwiches which was left over from last night, and I'm sat in the chair here and she's out there decorating," the man told the police operator. "She won't put any food on or anything for anybody." The operator is then heard interrupting him saying: "I'm sorry but I really can't take this. It's not an emergency because your wife won't give you anything to eat."
A German mother has been fined 100 euros because her eight-year-old daughter refused to open her mouth for the school dentist.
"The dentist wanted to check her teeth, but the girl was afraid and refused to open her mouth. So the dentist reported her," a court spokesman in the central town of Wernigerode said. Local authorities imposed the fine on the mother and the court supported that decision. The mother has agreed to pay the fine.
New Guinness Record- for waiting the longest to see a doctor
A British National Health Service patient has become the holder of the new Guinness world record for the longest wait on a hospital trolley. He spent 77 hours and 30 minutes waiting for treatment. The 40-year old man, a diabetic patient, got the news after returning to his home in Swindon after spending a further 60 hours on a hospital trolley. He told the press, he did not know whether to laugh or cry when he heard the news: "I can think of better records to have. And unfortunately, this one will probably be the sort of record that gets broken every day”
A German thief had to call the police to rescue him after becoming trapped during a failed break-in, police declared.
The 30-year-old man had broken in through a skylight to rob a doctor's surgery in the western town of Arnsberg before discovering he was too short to get out the way he had come in.
After all attempts to escape via doors and windows failed, the unlucky robber called the police for help, who soon arrived at the scene to free and then arrest him.
"
He wasn't the brightest thief," police officer said. "
I think he was just pleased to get out of there."
A three-year-old German boy took the keys to his father's car, started it up and plowed through two tents before coming to a stop.
The toddler made off with the keys to the Renault Laguna while his father was playing a soccer match, authorities in Euskirchen told the press.
The budding driver unlocked the car with the remote control and put its automatic transmission into reverse without having to touch the pedals.
The car slowly rolled through the camping site next door, mowing down tents where two 11-year-old children were playing. The children suffered minor bruises.
The mayor of a southern Spanish town has declared Thursdays "ladies' night" and says he will fine any man found strolling about town in the evening, in an attempt to encourage them to stay at home and do the chores.
A spokeswoman for recently elected Andalusian regional party mayor said starting on October, the streets would be the preserve of the town's women and a five euro ($5.67) fine would be slapped on any man found out and about on this day.
The men of Torredonjimeno, a town of 14,000 people in the province of Jaen in Spain's southernmost region, were not impressed by the attempt to tie them to the kitchen sink but few declared they will go out anyway and pay the fine!
Tiger escaped from a Bangladesh zoo
A Royal Bengal tiger escaped from a Bangladesh zoo after its keeper left its cage open, but snuck back an hour later after apparently being frightened by the crowds.
The big cat, named Bhim (powerful), sneaked out on Thursday before being spotted roaming nearby by his keeper, who promptly fainted in shock.
"The keeper passed out because he had never faced off a tiger outside its cage. A tiger in freedom could be extremely ferocious," a city official declared.
"Bhim apparently found the maddening crowd outside the zoo intolerable and too much for it to feel safe and it came back to the utter surprise and astonishment of zoo managers," said the official.
100,000 euros blowing across a highway
A German businessman sent 100,000 euros ($109,000) blowing across a highway, forgetting he had left the banknotes on the car roof before speeding off, police declared last Thursday.
"The money was in a leather case, and when he hit the slip road, the case fell off the roof and the cash dispersed all over the motorway," said a police spokesperson.
Police closed the motorway temporarily and recovered scattered notes worth 3,000 euros. Two days later a man handed in some 29,500 euros to police he said he had picked up himself. The briefcase and remaining cash are still missing.
A German who lost a suitcase full of clothes after a holiday in 1979 is to get it back 24 years after he first reported it missing, police declared.
Officers found the brown and beige case lying outside a police station in the western city of Duesseldorf and identified its owner as a 61-year-old former hairdresser who lost it after a trip to Senegal in 1979.
Duesseldorf police said the clothes were in good condition and did not seem to have been eaten by moths. Police said the man was surprised and amused at the discovery but did not want the clothes back, fearing the disco-era garb would no longer suit him.
But the man's wife persuaded her husband to take the case back."She was curious to see what was in there," said a police spokesperson.
Pizza man hopes to get a Guinness World Record in wife -
holding feat.
A Thai pizza delivery man has held his wife in his arms for 10 hours, 49 minutes and 15 seconds over the weekend in the hope of getting a world record. "I have only carried my wife up five flights of stairs," he told the press. "I didn't practice at all," he said after winning a "wife-carrying" competition.
The man, who weighs 80 kg (176 pounds), and his 35-kg wife won nearly $3,000 and a motorcycle from Ripleys Believe or Not! after holding out against seven other couples.
A car thief in Norway who apparently had second thoughts about his crime returned a stolen vehicle to a police garage.
"The simple explanation is that the man wanted to give back the car he had stolen," police inspector told the press. The would-be thief, who wasn't identified in line with Norwegian privacy laws, filled up his stolen car with gasoline from a service station but drove off without paying.
Police saw him and tailed him through traffic, but were surprised to see him drive into their garage. "We encourage all other criminals to follow his example," police said. "But they don't have to fill up the tank first, especially if they're not paying." Police haven't decided if the 37-year-old man will be charged.
Drunken birds fly into windows
STOCKHOLM, Sweden (AP) -- Thousands of drunks are smashing into windows at Karlstad University, but it isn't students blowing off steam. Instead, birds feasting on fermented berries are getting drunk and playing chicken with the glass.
Thousands of waxwings began gathering in the trees outside the university late last week to feast on ripening rowanberries. The birds haven't learned to say when. "So far some 50 drunk birds have lost their lives when crashing into the university's big windows," University spokesman Hans Jensen said. "But the worst is over; the berries are beginning to run out." None of the windows at the university 140 miles west of the capital have been broken.
A Viennese orchestra will go to London to make a meal out of playing the carrot!!
The First Vienna Vegetable Orchestra says it will cook up a storm with its carrot flutes, leek violins, celery bongos and eggplant cymbals. Supported by the occasional use of kitchen utensils such as spoons and food processors, the orchestra has been a hit in its hometown Vienna.
One of the orchestra members revealed that the inspiration for veggie music came from listening to the sound of vegetables being chopped. Before each performance, the band tours local markets to find fresh vegetables of just the right caliber and quality.
Once the instruments are worn out, the musicians, and a conductor who is also the cook, toss each one into a stewpot to make soup, to be enjoyed by the audience after the concert!!!
The mother-in-law from hell is the butt of jokes and comedies the world over. In Italy however, she is officially a cause for divorce.
The country's highest appeals court last week upheld a ruling that granted a woman from Vasto in southern Italy divorce on the basis of "excessive and inappropriate interference of the husband's parents in the private life of the couple."
"My husband was his mother's slave. He would hang on her every word while she criticized everything about me, my make-up, my diet, the way I was bringing up my daughter," the woman told the court.
The woman was awarded custody of her daughter and a generous alimony to compensate her for not being allowed to work after she was married. Her ex-husband has returned to live with his mother.
Six-pack of beer foils German robber
A German shop owner has fought off a knife-wielding robber by dropping a six-pack of beer on his feet, sending the would-be thief limping away empty-handed. The man had entered the mini-market just minutes before closing time and asked for a six-pack of beer.
The owner of the shop was about to hand it over to him when he pulled out a knife and told her: "If you scream I'll stab you to death." But instead of screaming, she dropped the beer directly onto his feet and pushed the stunned and howling assailant out the door. Police said they were searching for the suspect, who was last seen hobbling away from the store.
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